How to “work” on love

Posted on May 12, 2010

0


In yesterday’s post, I asked you to list all the things you think you would have if you had a man, things that you currently don’t think you have now. I want you to look at each item on your list. For each item, I want you to answer the questions-So what am I making this mean? What do I think I do not have now?


Here’s an example from one of my dear clients, Cameron.* She wrote:

If I had a man, I would have love! I would have someone to always love me, no matter what.

I then asked Cameron, “So what are you making this mean? What do you think you would have if you had a man that you don’t have now?”

“Um, love!” she responded. “Someone that would be there to love me no matter what.”

“So you don’t think you have someone to love you no matter what right now?”

“I don’t,” she said.

And so this is when we started using The Work.

The Work comes from a woman named Byron Katie (that’s her below). The Work is four questions followed by what Katie calls a “Turnaround.” It’s simple, but it is incredibly powerful. The Work will help you shift all of your negative thoughts into positive ones just by honestly answering the four questions.  Here are the questions:

1. Is that true?

2. Can you absolutely know that this is true?

3. How do you feel when you believe this thought is true? How do you react?

4. Who would be without that thought?

*Then the Turnaround, or the opposite of your original thought followed by some proof.

To help you see how this works, I’ve included Cameron’s answers below in italics. *Cameron has given me permission to use her answers. I’ve also changed her name to keep her responses anonymous.

Cameron’s Original Negative Belief: Without a man, I do not have someone to love me no matter what.

1. Is that true?

Yes. I don’t have anyone to love me no matter what.

2. Can you absolutely know that this is true?

Yes! I know that I don’t have a boyfriend!

(To which I asked Cameron-Can you absolutely know, without a doubt, that there is no one in the universe that loves you no matter what?)

Not that I know of. (pause) Well, maybe God.

3. How do you feel when you believe this thought is true? How do you react?

I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel all alone in the world. How do I react? I don’t know, I guess I sulk around. I feel sorry for myself. I complain to my girlfriends.  (chuckling) I eat a lot of chocolate!

4. Who would be without that thought?

I’m not sure what you mean. (To this I said-Who would be if you could not possibly think this thought? Pretend you’ve just had a lobotomy on the part of your brain that is thinking this thought. So now you can’t think it anymore. Who would you be?)

I would be happy! I would be, I would feel peaceful. Not stressed out or depressed.

I then asked Cameron to TURNAROUND her original thought, or in other words, to state the opposite. Her original thought was-I don’t have anyone to love me no matter what. Her turnaround thought was: I DO have someone to love me no matter what. (There are several ways to do the turnarounds. See thework.com for more information).

Then I asked Cameron for some evidence that her new thought-I DO have someone to love me no matter what-could be true. This is what she came up with:

1. Well, one reason this could be true is like what I said earlier. I know God loves me no matter what.

2. My dog loves me no matter what. (Long pause. Then I asked-What about you?)

3. Me? Ohhh yeah. I can love myself no matter what. That could be just as true.

And that, my friends, is how you start to shift to happy. Now, you may be thinking-Well, that’s all nice and everything but shifting my thoughts WILL NOT bring a man into my life. To which I will respond-ALL of your behaviors originate in your thinking. Before you can attract a great relationship into your life, we first need to work with your limiting thoughts and beliefs. The Work is one way to do this.

If you get a chance, please check out thework.com. Byron Katie has included tons of free resources on her website, including videos of her doing The Work with some of her clients. If you have questions about this valuable coaching tool, please feel free to email me at gabrielle@gabriellebrooke.com.

Advertisements
Posted in: Love 101