Your Lizard and Love

Posted on October 1, 2010


There’s someone in your life who is ruining your relationships and sabotaging your love life. There’s someone who’s not only a tyrant and a bully, but a power monger, a naysayer and a big-time fear inducer.

That someone would be your lizard.

Some people call this fear-based part of you “the reptilian brain” or your “triune brain” but for matters of simplicity and amusement, I call this part of you “your lizard.” And until you get this nasty reptile under control, you cannot expect your relationships to thrive. That’s because relationships are about love and the lizard is not concerned with love.

See, love requires generosity, kindness, selflessness and forgiveness. The lizard isn’t good with any of that. It’s preoccupied only with fears of not having enough and not being enough. It is actually impossible to be simultaneously generous and obsessed with lack. So if you let your lizard run your love life, quite frankly, you just won’t have one.

The things my clients’ lizards say to them are at times atrocious, some times hilarious and all of the time, just. not. true. Let’s be real here. These are reptiles we’re dealing with, not insightful and intelligent gurus, so we can’t expect much substance from what they claim.

And yet we do. We actually think that our lizards are telling us the truth.

Take, for example, a very kind, thoughtful and articulate client of mine whose lizard had him convinced that he didn’t know how to communicate with people. Or a very grounded, rational and giving client whose lizard told her she was being too picky when she grew tired of a disrespectful date.

If we keep listening to these lizards, we aren’t going to get anywhere worth going to. So let’s all stop this nonsense and take back our brains.

If you’d like to have a loving and caring relationship, then the first thing you’re going to have to do is get that lizard on a leash. And the first way to do that is to identify when you’re allowing the lizard to take over. And the way you do that is to start observing your thoughts.

Start carrying a notebook in your pocket. The next time you have a fearful thought about not having enough of something or a thought where you’re concerned you’re not doing enough, write it down in this notebook.

What was that? You just had a thought that you weren’t good enough? Jot it down. Hmmm…did I just hear someone thinking that they’re too old to find love? Write that down. Ah, I think I just saw a thought about the hopelessness of being single. Put it down on paper.

Put all those lizard fears down on paper. Next post, I’ll show you what you can do with them.

Posted in: The Lizard