A Fix for the Crumb-y Relationship

Posted on November 3, 2010

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People often feel stuck when they’re in a Crumb-y Relationship.

They hang on to the hope that the other person will change and start giving out more than crumbs. Because we cannot change another person’s behavior, waiting for someone else to change-and short-changing ourselves in the process-results in the frustrating feeling of being stuck in a rut.

So what is one to do when one finds one’s self in a Crumb-y Relationship?

Get out of it.

That’s right. Dump any unhealthy romantic relationships where you’re only getting crumbs so that you can open up some space in your life for better partners. There are a lot of kind and generous people in the world but you won’t find them if you’re waiting around for the crumb-giver to change his ways.

Getting rid of your Crumb-y Relationships is the first step to paving your path to a healthier life. But there’s a reason why you settled for only crumbs in the first place, and this is where you may need a little bit of coaching. To help you uncover the negative belief that’s fueling this behavior, answer the following questions as honestly as possible:

1.  What was I hoping to accomplish with this relationship?

2. What was I hoping to prove in this relationship?

3. What was I trying to resolve in this relationship?

4. Does this relationship, where I only received crumbs, resemble a significant relationship from my past (ie: with a parent or other significant family member?) If yes, what was I hoping would change this time around?

5. Why did I stay in a relationship where I received only crumbs?

Each person has his/her own unique reasons for staying in Crumb-y Relationships. By answering these questions, by writing out your answers, you may get closer to the negative thoughts or limiting beliefs (the lizard stuff) that kept you stuck in not-so-great relationships. Once you are honest with yourself about your behavior-and the limiting beliefs that feed your behavior-you can then begin some self-coaching.

Here are some steps I’ve found helpful to take when changing one’s tendency to stay in Crumb-y relationships:

1. Identify the limiting belief that kept you stuck in a Crumb-y relationship (ie: I should just be grateful to receive anything at all, even if it is only crumbs).

2. Put this negative belief up to some kind of critical inquiry (such as Byron Katie’s The Work).

3. Create a positive affirmation that states the opposite of your original limiting belief (ie: I deserve a partner who can give love as generously as I do)

4. Take one action to move yourself in the direction of your positive affirmation (ie: I’ll talk to that really nice girl in my Cooking Class and see if she wants to go out for coffee.)

Crumb-y Relationships feel crummy. They don’t give you nearly enough and they always leave you hungry. If you’re tired of settling for only crumbs and you’re ready to sit at the banquet table, then it’s time for you to take the actions to prove it.

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Posted in: Relationships