Getting Some Clarity

Posted on January 21, 2011


What do you want?

No, I’m serious here. What do you really want in a relationship?

How long have you spent dating people who, if you were really honest with yourself, were not the right people for you? How many times have you started a relationship because you were lonely? Or had just broken up with someone? Or because you hadn’t gone on a date in what seemed like forever?

Although I’d bet most of us have been guilty of this behavior at some time or another, it’s just not a very intelligent or conscious way to choose relationships. Until you learn to make conscious relationship decisions, you’ll continue to keep making the same mistakes and repeating the same patterns, over and over again. You’ll continue to make pathos-centered choices inspired by the vulnerability of being single. And my job, why I’m here, is to help you make some better choices.

Next week I’ll be showing you how to turtle-step your way to success. But before you can do that, before you can even make some goals to work towards, you’re going to have to get clear on what it is you’d like to accomplish.

One of the first steps I have my clients take is to get some serious clarity on what kind of relationships, what kind of people, they want to be with.

“I want a woman who’s kind and not selfish,” a client tells me although he is currently dating a narcissistic woman who already has said some nasty things to him.

“I want to date men who are reliable and honest,” says the client who continues to go out with a man who has lied to her several times.

This is common. This is what I see, day in and day out. People NOT making conscious decisions about the people they choose to be in relationships with.

Before you start making any goals, you need to get crystal clear about where your goals are going to take you. The first step you need to take is to be very specific on the kind of people you want to date.

Make a list of character traits that are absolutely essential to you in a romantic relationship. Then describe how a person could prove to you, through their actions, that they possess those traits.

For example, if you state that you want someone who is dependable, how does a person prove their dependability? By showing up on time? By calling you back? If you state that you want someone who is honest, how does one prove their honesty?  Obviously by not lying, but what else?

It is imperative that you are not only clear on what traits you’re looking for in a romantic partner, but also that you describe what kinds of behavior a person with these desired traits demonstrates. By doing this, you’ll start to raise your awareness of who is and who is not the kind of person you want to spend your time and energy on.

Remember, actions always speak louder than words. So before you go looking for a relationship, make sure you know what kind of actions you need to see before you invest your heart.