Closure: No Ex Required

Posted on April 7, 2011

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You’ve decided that you need some closure with an ex.

Maybe there are some things that you still want to say. Maybe you have some of her stuff at your place. Maybe he still owes you money.

I’m sure you can come up with some other excuses about why you need to contact your ex in order to get closure.

Thing is, getting closure is something you can do all by yourself. In fact, it’s often done best this way. Why?

Because a person who is your ex couldn’t even give you a great relationship. Thinking that they’ll be able to help you tie up loose emotional ends is way beyond their capacity.

Just think about this for a second. You honestly expect that person to help you heal?

Expecting an ex to help you resolve any leftover emotional issues is like putting an amateur runner into a marathon race and expecting him to win. It’s so not going to work. It’s not a logical train of thought, it’s an emotional one and it will actually sabotage your attempts at putting the past behind you.

I’ve had clients insist on contacting their exes, stating this was the only way they could get closure, only to end up with devastating results.

-One woman contacted her ex, only to have his new live-in girlfriend answer the phone. Another client showed up at her ex’s birthday party with a gift, and saw him making out with another woman.

-Another guy showed up at  his ex-girlfriend’s house, as she was leaving to go on a date (and she looked much happier and prettier than this man had ever seen her).

-One client insisted on having coffee/dinner with an ex-spouse, ended up sleeping with him and the next morning realized he had started seeing someone else seriously.

See? Contacting your ex to get closure sets you up for emotional torture. Don’t. do. it.

If she still owes you money and she hasn’t paid you back yet, let it go and consider it a lesson learned about loaning money to friends.  If he still has some stuff over at your place, donate it or burn it. If he really wanted it, he would have gotten it already.

Let go of the idea that your ex is the one who will help you emotionally end the relationship, and embrace a new thought: Closure is a gift you give yourself. No one else can do that for you, but you.

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Posted in: Letting Go