The False Alarm: Part of the Process

Posted on May 13, 2011


You’re out there, in the dating world, looking for that special someone. You’ve probably searched high and low; you’ve dated many people; you’ve kissed more than your fair share of frogs. And, it seems, all to no avail.

But then you meet someone. And he or she is fantastic. They are so great (especially when compared to some of the people you’ve gone out with lately) and the both of you have so much in common. You get incredibly excited and think-Finally! Finally I’ve found someone! After months of looking, you think you’ve hit the relationship jackpot.

Then something happens. Out of nowhere this person, this person who seemed to have so much potential, stops calling or he tells you he needs to take a break or she wants to see other people. You’re left feeling even more disappointed than you did before you met this person. The self-doubt creeps in, the lizard starts telling you that you’ll never meet anyone decent, and your friends are left trying to help you decode what went wrong.

I’m here to tell you that this is part of the process of finding a really great partner.  I call this common phenomena The False Alarm. It happens to almost every one of my clients. It happened to me before I met my husband. And it’s actually a very good sign.

The False Alarm usually happens after you’ve worked on changing the way you do dating and relationships. You’ve discontinued the dysfunctional dating patterns, you’ve started being smarter and more selective about the people you go out with and you’re more confident because you know how to communicate better in relationships.

Naturally because of all the hard work you’ve done, you’re going to start attracting better, quality people. You’re going to start dating nice, considerate, intelligent, successful and attractive people because you’ve stopped subscribing to the series of negative beliefs that previously inspired you to stay with the losers for so long.

So getting a False Alarm is actually a good thing. It means you are moving in the right direction. It means that you now know how to meet quality people. But just because you’ve figured out how to choose better people to date doesn’t mean everyone you start dating is going to turn into a long-term thing.

As disappointing as the False Alarm (or False Alarms) may be, they are an inevitable part of the process. They are a sign that you’ve changed significantly. They are a sign that you’re on the right track.

And, although you may be left feeling hurt when things don’t work out with one, the False Alarm provides some excellent practice for the wonderful person who will enter your life shortly-and stay.