The concept of the beloved

Posted on November 9, 2012


This is the thing about the person you love that you think you’ve lost. 

Your beloved (or ex-beloved or whatever you want to call him) is really just a concept. A concept of your own creation. A story you’ve created to meet a need that you though you had.

This is a hard pill to swallow, I know. Because what it means is that at any time, you can tell yourself a different story and be done with it all, already.

You don’t have to dwell in the land of the heartbroken. You don’t have to sit at home and watch romantic comedies and cry and read the old love letters and daydream about him and all of the fun the two of you once had. 

You can, of course. You can choose to do all of this. And as long as you hold onto the concept of this person that you’ve created, you will grieve a deep, seemingly unhealable grief.

There’s nothing wrong with grieving the loss of an old self because a new self emerges when a relationship ends. That’s a birth, really, and all births hurt in some way. But many times that’s not what people are grieving. What they are grieving is the loss of a concept that they’ve created. 

My job is to help you to start operating in reality. And you won’t believe the amount of people who don’t want to live in reality.

Reality, some people believe, is threatening and scary. It’s a terrible place full of passive acceptance and inaction and the ends of dreams.

None of that is actually true. People believe that because they haven’t lived in it. Once you live in reality, you don’t want to go back to the land of illusions and concepts.

One of the hardest things to accept is the reality of another person who’ve you’ve created into a concept that doesn’t actually exist. It’s a difficult thing to do. But, I promise you, once you learn to see people for who they are (and what they can and cannot give you), it’s much easier to start creating a happy life. A happy life grounded in reality. 

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